Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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