hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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