I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
