I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
