they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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