Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
