just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I see more hoeing in ur future
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