In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
