Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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