I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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