I wish my penis had an off switch
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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