you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
