I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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