I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
