tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A+ Viking dick
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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