He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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