I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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