I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
