like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
