I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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