Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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