You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
