whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Four minutes until I can fart!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
