im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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