You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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