dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
