Yo dont text me then not text me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
