I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize