Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize