I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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