He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm passing your future prison.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
