tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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