I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
