Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
