My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
