I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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