I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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