I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
