I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
