i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
