He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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