Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
