we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
