I bet he comes in French.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
