NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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