Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
