So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
