True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
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Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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