How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
