my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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