And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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