I want to walk on stilts...naked
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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