i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
